


Hemophobia

by Gabu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Hemophobia, Mental Hospital, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, fear of blood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 01:37:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabu/pseuds/Gabu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat can't stand what flows beneath his skin. He can't stand the color red, can't stand people getting injured in front of him. Just the sight of blood pushes him into debilitating hysterical panic. He's tired of being a coward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhhhh what am I freaking doing I only thought of this idea earlier this morning and good God talk about half-baked ideas.

It's the life of sex, drugs, and rock and roll for Sollux. Well, okay. He can only swear that the people working here secretly fuck one another and any sort of music listened to here is quiet and supposedly more relaxing than obnoxious. But there are a ton of drugs here. Just that it's the ones that are supposed to help with whatever the hell is fucking up in his brain. Sollux hoped that this latest cocktail of drug candy would be the winning combination and could go leave this stupid hospital. Its been two months already, and he is finally starting to get sick of the lack of freedom and hospital food. Going back home for a weekend a few weeks ago only pacified his wants for several days, but at least when he came back the following Monday his annoying roommate had been released, giving Sollux all the solitude he could want up until this day.

He remembered that yesterday, Ms. Lalonde told him that he might have a new roommate in the next few days. Sollux asked just who this person was and what was his deal, but Lalonde remained tight-lipped about the whole situation. A rarity if there ever was one. He got up out of bed to go to the front desk and ask to take a leak. Sollux waited until Egbert finally got finished with whatever paperwork he was working on before he would follow him and wait outside of the bathroom. God, thought Sollux, five minutes wasted for something that only takes one, but Sollux knew he should be in some way used to it by now.

Sollux left the bathroom and started his return journey to his room. On the way he passed the day room, where it seemed everyone else had decided to chill out in on a Saturday morning. The usual shit was happening. Eridan was hopelessly trying to woo Feferi, Nepeta was braiding Equius's hair, Vriska was messing around with Tavros while Tavros was trying to get Kanaya's attention. Kanaya was on the other end of the room, though, and completely mesmerized in her book, as was Aradia next to her. Finally, Terezi and Gamzee were both passed out on different couches, probably as a result of overeating pancakes a while ago. There really wasn't anything of pure interest to Sollux, so he continued on his way and flopped down on his bed.

Sollux knew that he must've dozed off, because the next thing he knew, somebody's weird, fast breathing was annoying him. He rolled out of bed to go yell at Gamzee or Vriska for waking him up, but two things arose. One, neither of them were outside of his room, and two, the breathing was inside his room, under the thin sheets of the other bed. He was about ready to yell at Gamzee for mistaking rooms once again, but Sollux's tired mind finally remembered about some new roommate. Whoever he was, though, the breathing was still irritating him.

“Hey, newbie. Not trying to be an asshole or anything, but could you breathe a little less noisily?”

Sollux knew it was more than likely this person would mock his stupid lisp, though none ever came. This strange roommate slowed down his breathing, but it now came in strangled gasps, which to Sollux was even worse than before.

“...Not quite what I wanted.” Sollux thought this roommate was probably afraid of his new surroundings or whatever. He knew Tavros was absolutely terrified the first few days here. “Are you afraid or something? It's fine. Most people here won't bite.”

His new roommate shifted into an even smaller ball than what he had previously been. God, this person was tiny, or a really good contortionist.

“Look, I'm going to keep bothering you until you get out of there. Probably not all that healthy being scrunched up like that.”

Sollux wondered if his roommate was tuning him out for several moments and was going to go see what was happening in the day room when the sheets were pulled off. Sollux was somewhat surprised that his roommate actually was tiny. Probably the same height as Terezi, and she was pretty small. His roommate had wild, black hair, and, when he finally turned to face Sollux, deep, dark circles around his gray eyes.

“...Uh... hi.” Sollux said. “I'm Sollux, resident bipolar patient. You?”

His roommate looked around nervously and refused to open his mouth.

Sollux sighed. “Not much of a talker, I guess.” He turned to his desk, where he had a notebook and exactly five crayons in the supposedly unbreakable cup next to it. He grabbed both the notebook and the crayons and shoved them under his roommate's face. Somehow his roommate was able to fully understand what Sollux was going for, and picked up a gray crayon. But, what smacked of incredibly odd, though, was how carefully his roommate opened the notebook with the thin sheet covering his hands. He was ready to make fun of his roomie for this odd behavior when the notebook was shoved back to him.

KARKAT VANTAS, YOU FUCKING ATHFACE.

“...So there's the insult.” Sollux dryly noted. “Wanna go get lunch?”

Karkat nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

Sollux instantly noticed just how batshit insane Karkat really was in the mere minutes they began eating lunch. For one, Karkat absolutely refused to use the plastic sporks, and after some heated, albeit very one sided argument with Ms. Lalonde, was able to get a plastic spoon instead. It made no sense, though, because why anyone try to eat carrots with spoons was beyond Sollux, and it became even more odd when Karkat insisted to only use his plastic spoon by covering the handle with the napkin.

“Jesus, Karkat. Are you freaking out about germs? Is that what you're in for?”

“N-No. Fuck off.” Karkat grumbled quickly.

“Then why are you covering your spoon with the napkin?”

“...B-because they refused to let me wear my gloves. Said some stupid bullshit about needing to overcome my fears. Maybe I just fucking like to wear gloves.”

“Are they your special Sonic gloves?” Sollux smirked with a mouthful of carrots.

“Oh, fuck you. You probably get off to furry shit on the Internet and write stupid Tails and Robotnik smut.”

Sollux shook his head. “Whatever. Hey, Terezi.”

Karkat glanced over to the blind girl heading over to their small table. He almost got up to try and help, but her ability to find her way over and sit down was astounding.

“Holla, Sollux.” she grinned. “It's corn and corn alone day!”

“...Actually, we're having sandwiches with a side of carrots and some pudding.”

Terezi huffed. “You're no fun. Hey, who's the new guy?”

Karkat was taken aback by Terezi's seemingly mystic ability to know that someone new was sitting right next to her.

“He's Karkat. Still trying to figure out just what his deal is.”

“It's none of your fucking business, so leave me alone!”

“I dunno. It kinda is.” Sollux shrugged. “You eventually have to spill your guts in some way in groups.”

“I don't have to if I don't want to. And I don't want to fucking spill my guts.”

“Aww, why not?”

“Maybe because I don't fucking want to!”

“He kinda has a point, Sollux.” Terezi noted. “Karkat doesn't have to tell us anything.”

“Damn right.” Karkat stuffed his face. “I can be as fucking silent as a goddamn monk who decided to never open his wordhole ever again, lest the demons enter and wreck up the place like some stupid teenagers that decide to throw a party for god-fucking-knows what.”

“...Fair enough.” Sollux shrugged. “You'll get to know the others soon enough. Like how Terezi is both crazy and weird.”

“It's true. It's a malignant condition.” Terezi grinned an orangey grin, which grossed Karkat out a little.

“Well, don't spread that shit to me, okay? I hate doctors. It's why I was such a moron earlier, if you want to know.”

“...And you're in a place surrounded by doctors.”

“I fucking KNOW THAT, THOLLUCKS.” Karkat looked ready to flip his tray if Mr. Egbert hadn't already been approaching the table.

“Something wrong over here?” John asked.

“Trying to know my roommate better.” Sollux sighed. “Not working.”

“That's because you're being a fucking prick!” spat Karkat.

“Woah.” John chuckled. “Calm down, you two. No need to have bad blood or however that goes.”

Karkat choked on his food momentarily. “NO. NO. No blood.” he gasped, appearing panicky. “No fucking blood.” Karkat noticed the whole room was staring at him in varying degrees of confusion. “I-I... I'm going back to my room. Screw this.” Karkat hopped out of his seat and quickly walked out of the day room.

Terezi “looked” around. “Did he leave? What happened?”

“He seemed... very put-off.” Sollux noticed.

John grimaced a little, and turned away to clean his glasses before leaving.

“Maybe I did something to make him want to fucking hate me.” scoffed Sollux. “Or probably wants to make a scene. He's the new guy, wants sympathy but doesn't want to tell anyone just why he came here. Wants to be the dark and mysterious character.”

“Like Eridan?”

“Needs to be more whiny, Terezi.”

“You two need to shut up.” Eridan called from the table next to them whilst picking at his left arm bandages. “I'm not whiny. Stop saying that.”

“Eh. Go write some poetry.”

Eridan sighed something resembling “You're a shitty hatefriend.” in a sarcastic tone before resuming his picking at his bandages, this time for his right arm.

“Love you, too.”

Sollux made a heart symbol and blew a kiss to Eridan, who was not in the mood for Sollux's antics. Terezi's eyes widened behind her shades and choked up her water in a massive fit of laughter before scolding Sollux about being humorous when she is drinking water. The conversation went on in that direction, forgetting quickly about weird, tiny Karkat. The same weird, tiny Karkat who, instead of being in his room like he said, was huddled in a comfy corner of Ms. Harley's office couch. He could feel himself panicking, but thankfully, aside from that wonderful feeling of being choked to death from the lungs and general fear, that was the extent of it. Not that he expected more, but a few years ago would not have expected this kind of reaction just by the mere mention of... that.

Ms. Harley came into the room with a nice, thick pillow and the softest, thickest quilt this particular wing of the hospital had to offer, and gave them both to Karkat. Karkat shoved the pillow underneath his head and wrapped himself up with the blanket in a way that made him near-impossible for him to untangle from later. He felt much safer, though, as he felt like he could breathe.

“Are you feeling better?” Ms. Harley said in her usual chirpiness that almost made Karkat want to retch out of spite.

“Y-Yeah...” he uttered instead.

“Do you need anything else?”

“Water. Tap. Don't drug it.” Karkat's voice hardened at that detail.

“Trust me, Karkat. Nobody here is going to drug you against your will.”

“You will soon. I know it.”

“Karkat, this hospital offers all kinds of different therapies for our patients. We only recommended that you take medicine to curb your anxiety and panic attacks, but we also only condone giving nearly all of our patients medicine when they feel they truly want to take it.”

“Funny. Seems like most of the fuckers out there are drugged senseless.”

“They chose to have medicine help them, and a lot of times side-effects happen.”

“Whatever. Just get me my undrugged water.”

Ms. Harley sighed. “Very well, Karkat. I'll be just a minute.”

Karkat watched Ms. Harley leave the room, and waited several seconds to be sure she was out of earshot before softly groaning to himself, hoping that the water given to him was drugged so much as to kill him. He hated having to deal with the possibility of going absolutely ape-shit every single moment of his life.

He hated... that.


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat stayed in Ms. Harley's office longer than he fully intended to. Ms. Harley, or Jade, as he came to know her as, was giving him some sort of talking session, and had almost come close to triggering another wave of panic when she attempted to talk about coping strategies on how to control said panic. Karkat did not want to talk about anything, and made Jade know it, but he felt a little regretful when he started shouting at her. He gave out a shaky apology, but it was disjointed as Karkat was trying to free himself from the blanket. He glanced up at Jade for a split-second, checking to see if she was upset or perturbed or enraged or anything, only to find that Jade was genuinely smiling at him and uttering that she understood. Karkat gulped and gave his goodbye, now simply feeling weird hanging around some therapist's office.

Karkat was dead set on just heading back to his room and sleeping for the rest of the day. He wasn't afraid of anything, he told himself, but he genuinely felt exhausted from his panic earlier, much like every other attack, large or small, made him. Or rather, “panic”. Karkat felt convinced that he was simply getting uncomfortable in this stupid place. He had no privacy, and everyone asked him questions that he just rather not answer. So he hastened his pace to his room and huddled completely under the thin blanket when he got there, and tightly closed his eyes in an effort to sleep. He wanted to force sleep even if it kills him, and even if that happened it would still be a better option than being awake in this shitty life.

Needless to say, Karkat remained awake in this shitty life.

Fuck.

“KK, you napping?”

“...Not anymore.” Karkat groaned.

“You never even started.” Karkat could tell Sollux was making an idiotic-looking smirk and turned to meet his gaze with the dirtiest look. “Did you?”

“No. Is that what you want to hear? Are you also here for being such an obnoxious douchebag that you have to force people to humiliate themselves into admitting the shitty things they did?”

“No, but thank you for finally admitting your problem.”

Karkat threw his sheet at Sollux. “What do you fucking want?”

“The others are wondering where you went.”

“Tell them Karkat Vantas is out for the day. And tomorrow. And fuck it, just forget that there ever was a Karkat.”

“We know where you are. I'm certain we could all drag you to the day room if we have to.”

“I'm certain the doctors here won't allow it.”

“I'm certain it'd be the doctors that would drag you out there.”

Karkat felt the urge to kill Sollux. All he wanted was some peace and quiet for the rest of the day, but this moronic excuse of a roommate was trying to force him into God knows what, and threatening the cooperation of the doctors in this conspiracy. He had no other option than to comply with Sollux's demands, and maybe punch him later, but not too hard. Oh God, thought Karkat, the last time he punched someone too hard, he almost lost his shit, as especially remembered for feeling his vision going dark for several moments. Not fun. And neither was this current situation.

“Fine. I'll give my millions of fans what they came here for.” Karkat forcefully and mockingly swaggered out of the bedroom

“Wow. That was terrible, KK.”

“Be happy that I'm willing to give you anything at all, fuckface.”

Karkat led himself and Sollux over to the dayroom, where the other patients were going about their evening activities. Karkat felt lucky that he had just missed the last therapy session of the day, and in fact all the other sessions that likely happened throughout the day. The last thing he wanted to talk about was his problems, especially to a room full of batshit insane young adults. Besides, his problems was probably a baby problem compared to the shit these people must have gone through.

“Hey, Eridan!” Sollux hollered. “Got Karkrab out of his bed.”

“...Karkrab?”

Sollux leaned into his ear. “It's some weirdass nickname he gave you. Just play cool.”

“Like hell I will.”

“Shut up, he's coming.”

The first feature Karkat noticed about Eridan was just how ludicrously scene this guy looked, even if he wasn't allowed any of his piercings or hairspray or any of that crap. Karkat was absolutely certain this would be the kind of guy to wear a scarf in the summer. Then again, given his bandages wrapping around his neck, he probably tried using said scarf as a makeshift noose. So long as the bandages stay put and stainless as they are, Karkat felt he'd only be slightly uneasy with this person, so long as he doesn't get too close.

Eridan then proceeded to get too close. Karkat reflexively leaned away, which only caused Eridan to lean forward.

“So, how did you get here?”

“I... I don't want to tell you fucking that!”

“What do you mean? Everyone's told everyone why they got in this shellhole of a dump.”

“Well I'm not going to tell YOU or anyone else, and fuck you for your lame fish puns, especially by giving me such a stupid nickname!”

Eridan pretended that he wasn't hurt, which sort of failed. “Feferi likes them...”

“Who's Feferi? Your girlfriend? Does she think everything you do is fucking amazing?”

“She's another inpatient.” Sollux noted. “And as far as I can tell, Feferi has absolutely no interest in Eridan whatsoever.”

“Because she wants to spend all her glubbing time with you. I don't get it.”

“Dude, I keep telling you that I'm not dating her, or am her boyfriend. Chill out.”

Eridan grumbled something that Karkat could not understand, though it was likely some insult towards Sollux. Sollux, however, seemed irate at Eridan. He began to argue with Eridan, insisting that he wasn't interested in anybody, and Eridan getting increasingly insistent and annoyed that he was spending all his time with Feferi when he wasn't looking. Karkat nudged himself away and instead opted to sit down at a couch next to several people. One was the blind girl from before, Teresa or whatever her name was, and the other was... incredibly attractive, Karkat admitted.

“Hey, Karkles!” grinned the blind girl.

Karkat was taken by surprise. “How the fuck did you know it was me?”

She giggled. “I can smell you from a mile away! You smell like a tiny, smelly, yelly guy!”

“Shut up, Teresa!”

“It's, Terezi, Karkles. Sheesh, at least I get your name right!”

Karkat rolled his eyes, and turned to the other girl. She was much less psychotic than this blind girl, and Karkat thought she'd be easier to talk to.

“Who're you?”

“...Why do they keep fighting about me?” Karkat assumed that this was the Feferi in question. “Why does Eridan keep making a glubbing stink about me?”

Oh God, the fish puns.

“I... have no clue. I just came here. I'm... guessing you're Feferi.”

She turned to Karkat. “Yeah, I'm Feferi.”

“Sollux kinda ditched me for your not-boyfriend over there.”

“I can see that.” she sighed.

“Can you tell me about everyone here? I-I mean, if it helps keep your mind off of those two dipshits?”

“Hopefully it will.” Feferi sighed again. “Looks like Kanaya's breaking them up again.”

Karkat noticed a slender, black-haired young woman rushing up to Sollux and Eridan, both of whom looked to be seconds away from killing each other, which was starting to severely worry Karkat.

“Thank God.” he breathed. “I... I honestly don't think I could have handled it.”

“The fights here don't get that bad.” Terezi cackled.

“Wait, WHAT.”

“She's kidding.” Feferi laughed. “Well, almost. Gamzee sort of unexpectedly snapped once and started clawing Nepeta up before Equius came in to try and stop it, but Equius was getting choked very bad.”

“Why-” Karkat noticed Nepeta and Equius sitting next to each other, drawing. It was obvious the attack was recent, with Nepeta having bandages across her face and Equius with dark bruising around his neck. “Why wasn't he stopped?”

“It lasted about ten seconds.” Feferi noted. “They were on Gamzee almost immediately, which is amazing considering Gamzee was overpowering Equius. See the muscles on that guy?”

Karkat noticed. “Yeah.”

“Anyway, you should probably be careful with Gamzee. He's calm when he's super medicated like he is now, but sometimes he gets a little violent.”

Karkat nodded, and proceeded to ask who everybody else was. He learned that Tavros and Terezi were having adjustment issues with their respective disabilities, Equius had terrible OCD, Nepeta tended to fantasize almost constantly as a defense mechanism, Gamzee had too many problems to list, Sollux was bipolar, Aradia, Feferi, and Eridan were depressed, Vriska was criminally defiant and antisocial, and Kanaya was an anxious wreck. Much like himself, Karkat thought. Though he was less panicky of the world and more flip the everloving shit out of certain, specific things.

Which reminded Karkat to stay away from the bandaged, violent, and other unsafe people. Whatever unsafe meant to Karkat he didn't exactly know, but he knew that the moment he knew, he would run the fuck away to the most remote place on the planet and never return to society for as long as he lived.

Terezi giggled, which snapped Karkat out of his thoughts. “Hey Karkles! What's going on?”

“Uhh.. nothing.” Karkat said, noticing his heart begin to race at the sight of Terezi's bright, deep red sunglasses. “I-I should probably go to bed now. I'll see you.”

“...Likewise.” Terezi said wistfully.

Karkat walked back into his bedroom and buried himself into his bed. Karkat didn't really want to admit red sort of freaked him out when he was beginning to feel anxious. It was the one thing about his room that he was glad about, as there was no red anywhere in the room outright. Sollux did have red clothing, but he had it all shoved into the dresser. Karkat had a feeling he was going to freak out when he forgets about this little fact and tries to find his clothes.

He hated red. He used to love the color, but now he greatly preferred gray and black. Maybe white too, on occasion. But no red. At all. These thoughts swarmed through Karkat's brain as he slowly drifted off into slumber. It was one full of nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do these twelve trolls always find themselves all together in mental hospitals like this? We'll never know.


	4. Chapter 4

This nightmare was much like the others. Karkat had no idea what was going on, but he felt utterly terrified. The red was everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, the ceiling, and, oh god, himself. It was blood, and he was soaked in it. He could smell metal from all the blood on and around him, and it was warm on his skin, as though it was completely fresh from a body. He then saw it. He saw it for a split second before his vision went dark. Karkat saw the palest, blood-stained body ever, crumpled on the floor with dozens of stab wounds gouged into his skin.

Karkat woke up flailing around in his bed blindly and screaming, thinking that he was being murdered in a place that he was too disoriented to recognize. He could not see anything, and he could hear several people rush up, with someone grasping him tightly by the shoulders. Karkat flailed and screamed even harder, attempting to bite whoever was holding him down, but was held back by more hands. He could feel the blind panic he was already in intensify exponentially, and could feel his heart race and beat harder and harder.

“Karkat!” It took Karkat a few second to recognize this voice as Sollux's. “Karkat! Stop screaming!”

Karkat continued to scream, although with decreasing volume and intensity, which in turn helped him hear a quieter, more feminine voice.

“Karkat, what's wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” It was authoritative, and as much as Karkat normally despised those it brought a safe, anchoring sense into his body, which had almost stopped flailing, but was beginning to uncontrollably shake. Soon, it was dead quiet, save for his whimpering and the murmuring outside as Karkat's peers poked out of their rooms wondering what was going on.

Karkat felt their hands release him and help him untangle himself from the sheet, as he was still too disorientated and shaking to do it himself. It took him a moment to finally see what was happening around him. Sollux looked like he was starting to shake a little, but was able to contain himself. The night-shift nurse whose name, if Karkat was reading her pin correctly, was Calliope, looked concerned and waiting for a response by Karkat.

“Did you have a nightmare?” she seemed genuinely concerned.

“Y-y...ye...” Karkat couldn't get the word out of his throat and thus quickly nodded instead.

“Do you need anything?”

Again, Karkat could not utter the word he needed and attempted a shaky pantomime for a glass of water. Calliope nodded and walked out to get Karkat a glass of water, while Karkat continued to shake and whimper, holding back his tears, albeit somewhat poorly. Sollux sat Karkat up and sat down next to him.

“Uhhhh...” Sollux didn't look too sure of what he wanted to do or say, and awkwardly wrapped his arm around Karkat's cold, sweaty shoulders. “What happened? In your dream, I mean.”

“I don't want to fucking talk about it, assmunch.” Karkat blurted.

“You fucking woke me up in the middle of the night screaming like a pansy about some nightmare.”

Karkat sighed, but refused to say anything else. Sollux prodded Karkat for a response, though when it was obvious Karkat wouldn't talk, Sollux sighed and moved back to his bed and get back to sleep. Calliope came back and gave Karkat his drink of water, which he drank greedily all at once before returning the glass to Calliope. The water only helped ease the dryness in his mouth, though, and Calliope noticed this.

“Do you need to relax in the quiet room?” she asked tenderly.

“I... I dunno.”

“I understand. Do you want to take a look at it?”

“I guess. Yeah.”

Karkat stood up with Nurse Calliope and walked a pace behind her. He did not want to walk into a trap and be imprisoned and wrapped up in a padded room for the rest of his life, and took a few steps back when they had reached the door to that room, ready to break away in case his suspicions rung true. It ended up not being the case though when Calliope opened the door and Karkat could see that it was not a sterile, padded room.

It had a lot of pillows organized into a pile in the opposite corner, and the installed carpet was soft, poofy, and the calmest deep blue Karkat had seen. In fact, the room was decorated primarily in various shades in blue tranquility, with flecks of yellow and green scattered throughout in inspirational posters and a thin mattress in another corner. There was a few bookshelves in the room filled with various objects, some decorative, others intended as therapeutic, but Karkat noticed the speaker in an upper corner as he entered first, directly opposite of the bed, and a dark half-sphere in another, more than likely being a camera lens. Despite those things, he was drawn to the pillow pile, and walked up to it while Calliope took interest.

“Wait, are you going to sleep on pillows? We have a mattress here in case a patient needs to come in here during the night.”

Karkat flopped down into the pile. “Shut up. I like piles.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Fuck the mattress.”

“Well, okay. If it makes you happy, then I have no objection to it.” Calliope smiled. “Are you feeling any better.”

“A little.” Karkat scowled into a pillow. “Still don't want to talk about it, though.”

“I understand completely, Karkat, and when you're ready to talk about it, we'll support you through it.”

“I said I don't want to talk about it.” Karkat's muffled voice said into the pillow.

“Okay, Karkat. Just understand we won't force you to say anything if you're not ready.” Calliope paused. “Do you want the lights turned off?”

Karkat thought for a moment. “...No. Unless you can dim it a little or something.”

“I can't dim it, but I'll leave it on for you. Goodnight, Karkat.”

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

Calliope softly closed the door and left Karkat alone in this room. He was still scared shitless about his nightmare, and felt the strong urge to tell someone, anyone about it, but was frightened endlessly just by thinking about it, because he knew it was not necessarily a nightmare. It was a deformed memory, and Karkat did not need to remind himself of it. Not even in another dream he dreamt when he drifted off to sleep in the massive pile of puffy blue and yellow pillows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to hammer this out before I move back home, though it's admittedly hard work when schoolwork and writer's block gets in the way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write some characters somehow whoops

Karkat woke up instantaneously in a cold sweat, and knew that it had to have been another nightmare. Thankfully, Karkat remembered nothing about it, other than feeling the familiar specter of terror gripping his whole body. He latched onto an errant yellow pillow as though it would be able to protect him from whatever unseen threat he had just been a victim of. He felt tired, but his mind was too gripped on the horror of his night terror to allow that. Karkat sighed into a pillowy mound of soft, fluffy blue, knowing all too well that he was going to get no more sleep that night, which was how nearly every one of his fitful nights ended for the past several months. He wished he was back home, if only so that he could get some milk from the fridge and maybe induce another two hours of sleep, but surmised that even if he was back home, he'd be just as terrified to move at that moment as well, even if the lights were still on.

He had no other option than to be alone with his thoughts in a perfectly lit room for however much longer he was going to stay in this room. Karkat could not help having his mind impulsively flashing traumatizing imagery at him during the majority of this time. His mind eventually drifted off to the ever exciting plans for the day. Kankri was with him during his intake process the day before and had agreed to a “family session” for today.

Karkat was not excited one bit, and hoped no one remembered that he was still stuck in this room, but knock on wood, no sooner had he wished did the door open.

“Hullo, there.” said a man with a thick English accent. “ Good morning, Karkat! Time to get up and face the jolly ol' day!”

“I don't wanna.” Karkat grumbled. “Tell Kankri and Lalonde they can suck it. I'm gonna stay here in fluffy pillow land forever.”

“Aw, come on, now!” Karkat felt this man gently shake him. “You're here for the good of your health, and you can't get healthy again without goin' out there and showing your issues who's boss, y'know?”

“Uggggghh...” Karkat dragged himself upright and gave this man the dirtiest glare he could manage given his tiredness, but the man just chuckled.

“Thought you would be tired. Don't mention it to Lalonde, but I gave you an extra ten minutes to sleep in, though you have to hurry up to get a good breakfast. Sorry about that. Should have shaved five minutes off of that.”

Karkat simply uttered a low growl of discontent. Just who hired this idiot? But he still stood up and, after letting himself adjust, let the clueless buffoon lead him to the day room, where Karkat had arrived a moment too late to nab a plate with any semblance of delicious food on it.

It was several hours before Karkat was pulled aside by Dr. Lalonde, an event that Karkat decided was more of a curse than a blessing. He met her in the hallway, just out of sight of any glaring eyes from the day room, where his older brother, Kankri, was leaning against the wall. He was pulling at his sweater a little, which did nothing but develop scorn in Karkat. Of course Kankri would wear a gray sweater instead of his many red ones. Then again, it has been something Kankri has been doing a lot lately, so as Karkat wouldn't be, as his brother put it, “triggered”. Bullshit.

“Good morning, Karkat.” Kankri pulled his brother into a hug, one that Karkat decided not to fight out of simple tiredness. He even halfheartedly hugged Kankri back a little, then pushed his brother away.

“Good morning yourself.”

Kankri turned to Dr. Lalonde. “He's normally like this in the morning.”

Karkat gritted his teeth. “Fuck you, I'm right here.”

Dr. Lalonde said nothing, instead ushering the two brothers into her office. It was much like any other psychologist's office, with puffy armchairs and couches, glass tables and bookshelves full of psychology books, scholarly and otherwise, with an assortment of various knickknacks scattered throughout. Karkat plopped himself down in the far corner of the couch and folded his arms. He had hoped that Kankri would get the message and sit on the other side of the couch, or even in that third chair off to the side of the couch, though knew from experience that Kankri would refuse to sit anywhere else but next to him, and Kankri did just that. Dr. Lalonde sat down directly across from the two, folder in hand, and waited for them to fully settle before starting.

“I'm so glad you could come today, Kankri. It's obvious that you love your younger brother very much and are genuinely concerned for his well-being.”

Karkat was already tired of this shit.

“It is not a problem at all. Karkat has been deteriorating rapidly in the past year, though he kept insisting that he wasn't being triggered as severely as he was in actuality.”

“No. You shut up, Kankri.” Karkat folded his arms tighter against his chest.

“What was the tipping point?”

“Well, my little brother is enrolled at a community college. He never got the best grades, especially in programming, but he tries hard and I'm proud for him. But what happened was that the college was holding a blood drive a week ago. They hadn't really promoted the event, so when Karkat walked right into the area they were holding it, he became triggered and reacted accordingly.”

“They should have put up more goddamn posters, but whatever. I got shocked. Whatever!”

“He had supposedly went into a state of panic and began having intense physical symptoms. I'm going by what witnesses told me about this, but Karkat was screaming, shaking, sweating, complained he couldn't breathe even though he was hyperventilating... really, all the classic symptoms of a severe panic attack. He did finally run away, though he still kept panicking in a small field outside. He was still in a pretty bad way when I had arrived to take him home.”

“No I wasn't. I was fine!”

“You were crying and screaming obscenities at the school counselor. If anything you were still in a panic.”

“No.”

“I say this with all truthfulness, Doctor Lalonde. But it was when he vanished later that had me begin to panic, myself.”

“He vanished?” Dr. Lalonde asked.

“Yeah. Sometimes he does that after a fit of panic. He appears to just stop feeling anything when he's like that, and can act like that for days. It's like he became so emotional that it makes him unable to feel anything when his attacks end. And sometimes, when it's really disconcerting, his numbness, he just wanders off. I admittedly let it go in the past, which was a very neglectful action in me. But I thought that he just needed to walk it out and have some time to himself. Give him some space.”

Dr. Lalonde nodded, and turned to Karkat. “Karkat, I want to ask specifically to you. What was the main difference between all the other times you wandered off in your dissociative state and this last time?”

“It was raining. Actually stormy. Actually very violently stormy.”

“Do you remember anything else?”

Karkat scratched the back of his neck. “I, uh... well, it was raining a little when I had left the house. I knew that it was going to storm fairly soon, but I didn't really fucking care. Normally I would.”

“Did you know at the time that you'd be worrying your brother?”

“...Not at all. I didn't realize anything was anything at all until I passed some old couple's house and the husband saw me from his storm watching. It had been especially bad outside when I had passed him. Like, rain and hail and lightening and wind. But he was ready to head in for shelter when he saw me. Needed to drag me off of the street, because I just fucking kept walking...He did get me inside though, which I guess was a good thing... don't remember much after that.”

“Karkat, you can't believe how much I was worrying for you. I reported you as missing to the police! When the storm was over and after I talked to the police I went door to door asking people if they had seen you! You could have gotten severely injured or killed walking out there!” Kankri looked visibly upset to Karkat, but Karkat could only care in making an observation.

“How did you find me?”

“The police went door-to-door asking if people happened to see you, and through some very helpful people who happened to spot you during your walk, they managed to find the house that you decided to take refuge in.”

“Yeah... and then they took me to the station and you just wouldn't shut up about how worried you were and, would you look at that, how triggered you were about the whole thing for reasons I don't care to repeat.”

Kankri cleared his throat. “Well, I don't mean to trigger you now, but it had a lot to do with our father.”

“Yes. I know. Now kindly shut the fuck up about it. I don't even want to explain any more than that. Just drop the fucking subject and let's just carry on.”

Dr. Lalonde pursed her lips in thought for a tense moment. “Very well, Karkat. We don't have to talk about your father at this time. However, it would be negligent to completely leave you as you are. You won't be able to live life to its fullest in the condition you are in. I was speaking to your brother over the phone yesterday discussing possible options. We both felt as though your safety should be the utmost importance. You did agree to come here, correct?”

“Mmmnn... yeah.” sneered Karkat. “Seems like a bigger pain in the ass not agreeing and having to be dragged here.”

“But by agreeing to come here, were you, in some way, admitting to yourself that there is a problem that needed to be addressed?”

“Sure, fine, yeah! Can we get to the damn point?”

Dr. Lalonde looked as though she did not believe in Karkat's sincerity, but continued. “Well, we thought that you should stay here for several weeks, perhaps a month, so you could receive intensive therapy.”

Karkat tightened up his muscles. “I will fight you, but elaborate.”

“We want you to try medicat-”

“Don't want to.”

“Kankri has voiced to me already your... concerns, we shall call it, on medications, especially of the psychiatric variation. And I do agree with you on them being used to cover up problems. But it might make other areas of therapy run smoother. For instance, in addition to group and individual, we wish to try exposure and writing therapy.”

“Essentially, Karkat, they want to gradually expose you to your trigger, and to also journal about it.”

Karkat shook his head. “I don't want to do that stuff.”

“Then what do you want to do?” Kankri groaned.

“Well...” Karkat thought extensively. He could feel the tension within himself rise to new heights for that day. He seriously did NOT want to talk about anything, especially his supposed problems these people kept insisting he was having. Though, he wondered why he still tried denying that he had been really, really unhappy recently. Even more than normal, but just what was normal in the first place? He honestly was beginning to forget. He wished to feel normal, but he was scared shitless, needing to face... everything.

“Be normal... I guess..?”

“Normal? I hope that means you'll agree to therapy, because, and I mean absolutely no offense, but I have no clue what to do with you if you refuse.”

Karkat glanced at his brother before drawing a long sigh. “I'll do it. Drugs too. But just one, okay? I don't fucking want to be put on every single goddamn thing.”

“And you won't, Karkat. Don't worry about it. If we need to add anything, I'll be sure to go it over with you.”

“Okay, Doctor Lalonde. Thanks.”

She gave a small smile back. “No problem, Karkat.”

Meanwhile, Karkat was already mentally listing the number of problems he had with all of this. He wondered what the hell he got himself into.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pieced together differently than how I originally constructed. Feels like I could have done better with this chapter, given the end...
> 
> Though I'm my own worst critic time and time again. Probably not the best, but likely not the worst either.
> 
> Also TW: graphic detail of panic attacks ahead?

“So are you staying with us, KK?”

Karkat glared at Sollux the second he asked that, and wondered why the hell Sollux would want to know such information, especially at the very moment he had left Dr. Lalonde's office. Kankri seemed vaguely confused as he exited the office at the young, bespectacled man getting into his younger brother's business, but Karkat gave an answer before Kankri could open his mouth.

“Yes, I'm staying with you beautiful, perfectly sane human beings. And before you prod into asking for just how long, they're keeping my ass in here for a month. So we have plenty of time to become good fuckbuddies, don't worry, Sollux.”

Sollux looked at Kankri. “Is he always this sarcastic?”

“I'm afraid so. Though luckily it's something that he has always done consistently, especially when under a considerable amount of duress.”

“Shut your goddamn trap.”

Kankri sighed. “Can I at least ask my surly little brother for a parting hug?”

“Fine, come here.” Karkat huffed. Again, he forced himself to hug back his brother as his brother was giving a tight embrace.

“Get better soon.”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Karkat gently but forcefully pulled away from the hug and gave a small wave to Kankri. Kankri waved back and wandered off towards the exit of this particular ward.

“Yeah. That's my brother. He's kind of an asshole.”

“At least he gives a shit about you. Not that my parents don't, but you can't believe all the jackassery some of the people in here have to deal with.”

Karkat became flustered. “I just...! I want to be left alone. Fuck Kankri. I hate him nosing into every goddamn thing in my life!”

Sollux pulled a finger over Karkat's lips and a grin onto his face. “Shhhhh... it's okay, KK. Come to the circle and talk about it with us.”

“What. No.”

Sollux's voice became soft, with a thick undertone of sarcasm. “It's mandatory if you want to get out of this hellhole.”

“I'd rather kill myself.” Karkat sighed.

“Well, why don't we talk about that, too?”

“If I do it, will you stop with that condescending asshole shit? Like, for good?”

Sollux rolled his eyes. “Fiiine, KK.”

Karkat dragged his ass into the day room, where a circle of chairs had just been constructed from uncomfortable-looking folding chairs. There was an obvious hole in the otherwise complete circle, where Tavros silently wheeled himself into, and every other patient had began picking their spots. Karkat had been the last to sit down, much to his uneasiness. He sat down between Terezi and Vriska, and was very off-put by Terezi's choice of a red t-shirt that day and felt insecure in general around Vriska. He did an unconscious, quick glance at everyone's crotch, and released a small breath when his check came out negative.

“Good morning, everyone!” chirped Jade when she entered the room. “How are we all doing today?” This was met with several halfhearted responses. “Alright! Who wants to start off today?”

Karkat pulled his legs up onto his seat and silently cursed at how pathetic he most likely looked at that moment. Luckily, though, Equius had volunteered to talk, which led to Karkat forcing himself to disconnect from the present moment and daydream. He let his mind wander to the programming project he had started on some weeks before and the piles of spaghetti code he was sure he wove throughout. He found his rare moment of relief, just trying to solve the dozens upon dozens of problems that he needed to solve and the hundreds more that had yet to pop up.

Good distraction. Distractions are always good. Until somebody jams their elbow into your ribs.

“New guy, Jade's talking to you!” sneered Vriska.

Karkat was caught off-guard and did a small jump. “What happened?”

“Jade wants you to introduce yourself, Karkles!” Terezi grinned.

“Uhhh...” Karkat looked back at everyone looking at him. “I'm, uhh... Karkat. You've might've seen me around here yesterday. I have problems, much like you guys.”

“You sound wound up.” Terezi sniffed.

“I don't, uhh, I mean I'm not! S-shut up, I don't have to talk if I don't want to.”

Terezi shrugged. “It might help.”

“No.”

Tavros spoke up. “Mmmaybe you could write it down. A lot of us, uh, keep journals and stuff. It helps me a lot, especially when I don't, um, want to talk about something but still want to put it somewhere...talk about the entries with the doctors here... and...” Tavros began fiddling with his hands. He likely wasn't done with his piece, but appeared to have taken a huge effort and could not go on.

This time, Kanaya spoke up. “You won't get much out of therapy if you don't start confronting the issues that plague you.”

“I can confront my fears later.”

“Trust me, Karkat, it'll only make you worse and more anxious if you ignore and avoid your fears. I know.”

Karkat grimaced and glanced down. “I...I-I don't feel ready.” he could feel himself blush a little. “L-look, I don't want to talk about what happened.”

Karkat internally yelled at himself for uttering that.

“Ooooooooh! Tell us more!” Vriska grinned slyly.

Karkat decided to simply shut up and look down, and he exhaled relief when Dr. Harley decided to move on to another patient and his progress on his paranoia. Eriwhozat or something. He didn't care, so long as he was no longer the center of attention. Still, though, he could feel his hands tremble, and stomach twist. He felt like going back to his room, but felt sort of a paralysis in his legs that kept him from getting up and walking away. Karkat guessed that it was a good thing not being able to move for the time being. The last thing he really wanted were people asking him why he'd fled from group therapy. He could handle being extremely uncomfortable for the next forty minutes or so. It's cool. He could handle it, Karkat thought. He could last. Karkat grinned a little, just enough where no one else would detect it.

“Eridan, for the last time, FF and I are not a thing. Even FF says so!”

Karkat looked up. Eridan had stood up and was in front of Sollux, both boys looking pretty sick of each other's shit. Eridan waved Jade's hands off of him.

“Yes you are! You're both keeping it a secret. Everyone always do.”

Sollux stood up. “We're not. Listen to yourself, Eridan. You're getting fucking paranoid again. We went over this for God knows how many times, and you still refuse to realize that,” Sollux cleared his throat and made a pretty bad impression of Eridan. “W-Woah, maybe Fef and Sol aren't an item. Fef isn't interested in me for w-whatev-ver reason, and that's okay. She's not keeping anything from me, and maybe I should grow-w up a little, back off, and reassess my fucking priorities!”

Karkat did not like the direction and tone this argument was taking.

“Sollux...!” Jade started before Eridan cut her off.

“Y-you stop that! I don't sound like that!”

“Yes, you do.”

“Guys...” Feferi moaned.

“I know, Feferi. I'm really sorry. I feel like a douchebag right now.” Sollux said. “But Eridan just isn't getting it.”

“W-Why are you talking to her?!” Karkat silently begged them to stop. “S-stop lying to me!”

“I'm not, Eridan! Stop being a fucking paranoid jackass!”

And then it happened. Eridan had gotten Sollux with a surprisingly hard punch to the face that stunned Sollux. Blood spurted out of his nose at a concerning pace and Sollux covered his nose. But the moment Karkat registered what had happened, and saw the blood leak and dribble out the cracks between his roommate's fingers despite Sollux's best efforts, he went into hysterical panic. Sollux was bleeding thick, red, slimy blood. That's all Karkat could see, and it was engulfing Karkat's vision completely in red and then darkness as his blood pressure spiked upward and the full extent of his hysteria took over him. He moved blindly back from Sollux and started to scream in a shrill, terrified pitch that he hadn't reached in a while. He continued to scream even as he tripped over a chair and fell on his hands and arms. Karkat knew he scabbed them and could feel pricks of blood poke out from the tiny breaks on his skin, which did nothing but push his panic button even more. 

Karkat gasped for air between bursts of the most traumatic screaming the patients of the ward had ever heard in their lives. The more experienced nurses and doctors present, who were more experienced in the situation, mobilize themselves into some form of organized action. Karkat could not hear over his own screams, now interspersed with his incomprehensible shrieking no one could understand at first out of Karkat's clumsy gasps for air. Ms. Harley had rushed by his side and gently placed a hand on Karkat's shoulder.

“Karkat! Oh no, Karkat! What's wrong?”

“Blood! Oh, GOD THE BLOOD. THE BLOOD!” he screeched while his shaking continued to worsen. Karkat got up, knocking Ms. Harley down in the process, and bolted to where he surmised was the exit. He ran face first into a wall and crumbled down, only to get up and try again, this time finding the door and rushing out. He ran right into Mr. Egbert, who was hurrying towards the commotion, and they both toppled. It was here that Karkat screamed out some more when it became evident that the visions of blood would not cease. He saw Sollux in a puddle of his own blood, and his father in a massive pool. Despite Mr. Egbert holding him down, semi-oblivious, Karkat kicked and flailed in a convulsing fervor that caused the staff not tending to Sollux and Eridan to come over and restrain him.

“DAD, STOP BLEEDING. STOP THE BLOOD. THE BLOOD.”

Karkat heard Jade speak to him again. “Karkat. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Sightless eyes darted everywhere. “NO. BLOOD. TOO MUCH BLOOD.”

“You're in no danger, Karkat. Sollux is going to be okay.”

“LET ME GO!” Karkat lunged his head wildly at the air in front of his face and bit right into Strider's arm. In an instant, Karkat tasted bitter copper in his mouth, and his terror-induced struggling intensified. The sound of another approaching doctor did nothing to quell his panic attack.

“Rose, we can't do that to him!”

“We need to do this, Jade. He's out of his own control and has already injured Dave.” Ms. Lalonde paused for a second. “It's imperative for his own safety that we give him this.”

“I know... Karkat, I'm sorry.”

Karkat prayed that he could will his eyes to work, but in his state he knew he would be completely blinded no matter what and whatever these doctors were planning to do to him was a complete mystery to him. He struggled against their restraint to the best of his ability, and while his panic made him difficult to hold down, they never broke their hold. Karkat continued to scream throughout all of this, the image of his father, dead, in front of him, with every drop of his blood outside of his pale corpse, continued to torture Karkat's mind. He felt the doctors hold him down tighter, albeit in an unsure and tentative manner, and heard one of them mention a needle, which caused Karkat further panic and distress. He pushed and screamed and attempted to bite whoever was closest to his face, but it was no use when he felt the needle prick.

Karkat let out a final shriek before the drug rushed to his brain. It had dulled everything in an instant, and Karkat's yells became significantly weaker and his exertions died down. When he was released he still attempted to move even as his hearing began to fade out. He could feel a hand brush through his hair, and he tried his hardest to grab this hand, though his muscles grew limp halfway through and his arm flopped to the floor. He mumbled something, but Karkat could not remember what he wanted to say, nor understand what he actually said or, eventually, care.

Karkat heard Ms. Harley speak in his ear. “Shhhhh... go to sleep, Karkat.”

Karkat, under the trance of this powerful drug and the power of Ms. Harley's suggestion, closed his shocked sightless eyes and drifted into pitch-black oblivion.


	7. Chapter 7

Karkat had no idea how long he was unconscious, nor could remember, at first, just what had happened. He felt like his entire body had leaded weights attached to him and his mind was stuck in a deep and unfathomable haze. Karkat opened his eyes and stared his bleary eyes mindlessly at the dresser, thinking it was nighttime. At least, he thought it was night until he heard muffled activity coming from the day room. Now what happened was starting to come back to Karkat. He had a dull sense of panic and dread consume him, and while removed and unusually calm was still concerned enough over the possibilities of what may have happened to Sollux.

“Sollux? Sollux are you there?”

Karkat attempted to scramble out of bed and rush over to Sollux's, but Karkat could do nothing more other than drag his limbs clumsily on top of each other and drop to the floor in a tangled mess. He felt stable hands sit him up after a surreal moment of semi-consciousness.

“Woah there, I'm afraid you're too drunk to drive right now, Vantas.”

Karkat stared at this man for several seconds before he finally recognized him as Dr. Strider. “Sollux...” Karkat slurred, “Where's Sollux?”

“He, Eridan and Lalonde are having an impromptu relationship therapy meeting.”

“...Sollux is there?”

“Yeah. He's okay. Got a nosebleed, but he's perfectly fine.” Karkat whimpered. “I know. You and that word aren't exactly on the best terms right now. It probably brings up a lot of bad memories, huh?”

“It does.” Karkat said without his usual hesitation, which he assumed was because of the drug given to him. He could feel the sensation of disquiet sleepily stirring inside his bones. “...Hate thinking about them.”

Dave nodded quietly. “Everyone has memories they'd rather not think about, though usually it doesn't do them a whole lot of good. Kind of like ignoring an infection from a wound. Ignore it long enough and that infection might spread throughout the entire body and poison it.”

“Am I poisoned?”

Dave shrugged. “Not really. Depends on your definition of poison. Although, it'll take a long time for the infection to heal. Longer than it would have been if this was caught a lot sooner, but doesn't mean it's a lost cause. Know what I'm sayin'?”

“Not... really.”

“Well, For you, we're going to work on three big things. One, work on learning how to relax and feel less afraid. Two, build back up your tolerance for red stuff by slowly reintroducing you to all those estranged relatives. And three is to work through your memory, though we can only get you starting on it.”

“Started?”

“Yeah. First two points in your therapy is to improve and maintain your state. That'd be your body in the metaphor I just described. But the third point's gonna take longer. That's the part with the antibiotics and antiseptic and nursing that wound so it only leaves a scar in its place. Hell of a lot better to have a scar than a wound full of fungus.”

Karkat felt his mind clear a little. “Sounds simple.”

“Anything but, Karkat. Whatever medicine Lalonde decided was a good idea to give you can make things slightly easier.” Dave smirked. “By the way, we were kinda used to patients being used to anxiety meds, so we were kinda embarrassed when we learned first hand that you're completely new to that stuff.”

“What happened?”

“What happened? You passed out. Egg on Lalonde's face.”

“Wait, was that with a needle?” Karkat asked.

Dave nodded. “On the shoulder. This may sound stupid, but you don't mind that?”

Karkat struggled to think. “Not-No. Not right now. I feel... okay.”

Dave nodded again. “Okay. Want to go to the day room? It's art therapy time, though after that it'll be about an hour's break for lunch.”

“Sure...”

Karkat blindly agreed, and allowed Dr. Strider to help him to stand up and be escorted to the day room. Indeed, all of the patients were there in small group tables, Eridan and Sollux included, albeit at separate tables. Karkat shuffled over to the empty chair across from Sollux, at the table with Aradia and Terezi, and was given a sheet of paper from the nice but quiet woman, the art therapist. Karkat thought her name tag said 'Dr. Paint', but his vision was still too blurry to tell. It would have been a very fitting name if it were, Karkat thought.

He glanced over to his left, where a dark brown-haired girl was excitedly drawing images of digging up skulls.

“What the hell.”

“That's what I said.” Sollux noted. “We're supposed to be drawing stuff we like. Aradia, well... she likes archeology.”

“Yep!” Aradia grinned. “Mostly I want to uncover ancient civilizations and see how they live and the things they have.”

“Whiiiich includes skulls?” Sollux asked.

Aradia just shrugged. “Can't really have archeology without uncovering a few skulls here and there.”

Karkat muttered an agreeable moan and reached out for a thin blue marker. He decided that he should probably draw something. Even Terezi was putting some marks down, despite the subtle look of dejection and despair at being tasked with a visual activity.

“Terezi,” Karkat slurred. “We're supposed to be drawing things we like and stuff, right?”

Terezi nodded. “Yeah. Actually, it's more like the people and activities and stuff that makes us happy, and we're going to explain them to each other, I guess? I dunno.” Terezi poked a grin. “I'm drawing Dr. Strider. He's so cool!”

“...Why is he in a box?”

“He's on trial for being cool in public. And I'm the prosecutor over there!” Terezi pointed to the right side of her paper, though Karkat could not see anything more than scribbles that resembled a person.

“Huh.”

“What're you going to draw?”

“...I'm not sure.” Karkat thought for another moment. “I... really don't know.”

“I kinda know that feeling.” Sollux sighed. “I just started drawing the first thing that came to mind and just ran with it. So... I drew some bees. Yeah. Insane part? I'm allergic to them. So yeah. I drew things that might end up killing me if I piss one of them off enough. Why didn't I draw my computer or something like that? God, I'm stupid.”

“Uhh...” Karkat started.

“No, don't try to tell me otherwise, KK. I'm a fucking moron, okay? God, I get in such a decent mood for a few days and I fuck something up. And it's not fine or alright or...”

“We're still friends.”

Sollux snapped out of his diatribe of self-hatred. “...What?”

“You're sorry that you were indirectly responsible for me completely losing it. You have only known me for a day, so please quit beating yourself up over my problems.”

“...Wish I could, but it's much harder than it sounds. Just trust me on this KK. I'm not in this place just because I felt like staying at a mental hospital.”

“I know. You need to focus on your problems, though.”

“Wow, you're not going to give this up.”

“...Not really, no.”

Sollux simply breathed out a small groan and returned to his drawing, and Karkat took that as a signal that he was done talking for a while. He slowly returned to his paper and, with his blue marker, put down some lines. The intended assignment was abandoned in favor of drawing some fat birds that, with the help of a green marker, were perching on deformed branches. When it came time to show he simply shrugged at his arbitrary choice. The remainder of the day was spent in an otherwise calm haze that slid smoothly into a peaceful sleep.

Karkat snapped awake in the predawn light with his mind shifting into nervous vigilance. He was not sure where the feeling came from, but he felt an overwhelming claustrophobia with hints of dread envelope his being. In his tight and narrow breathing, he began piecing together what had happened yesterday, and upon realization that he had a very severe panic attack, scrunched his body into a tiny ball and tightly closed his eyes. He realized he would be experiencing much more of those horrible feelings.

As a result, Karkat felt unprepared to start, and hoped against reality that morning would never come.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hai, long chapter.

“Sup, Karkat. Welcome to the first day of a new life.”

Karkat plopped down onto a leather couch and took a hard look at Dave, who was sitting opposite to him in a completely overstuffed and dangerously comfortable looking chair. “What's so new about it? I mean seriously, this is my third day here.”

Dr. Strider remained poker faced. “We're getting started with your therapy. Remember what I said yesterday?”

“Vaguely.”

“Okay. Good.” Dr. Strider adjusted the left cuff of his long-sleeved shirt. “So you know what we're going to be doing, correct?”

Karkat pensively shook his head. “I... don't remember.”

“We're going to practice the art of keeping your cool even when everything is going to hell and you want to flip off the handle.”

Karkat nodded. “Okay. That's fine, I guess. But how the hell is that going to be fucking possible? Every time I think I see blood, or the chance I might see blood, or... or myself getting hurt and maybe seeing blood I can't calm down.”

Dave nodded. “I hear you on that. Sort of reminds me of when I was a kid and was flippant over my Bro's puppets. I mean, I hated them as a whole much more than being afraid, but it wasn't peaches and cream. Sure as hell wanted it to be peaches and cream.”

“...Are you saying that you want goddamn peaches and cream?”

“Possibly, Karkat. But we're getting off the subject. What I'm saying is that being stoic and limiting exposure to blood increases fear. Then as that fear took over, a number of possible associations to blood increases further. It's like riding a spiral slide on your belly, getting increasingly faster until you get to the end and faceplant on whatever surface said slide is on. And get like a million stitches.”

“So I have to work my way back?”

“Essentially, yeah.”

Karkat shifted his weight into a forward lean and crossed his arms. “I'm really not going to like this. I mean, I guess I'll do it if it means anything to anyone in this place, but this is going to suck.”

Dave leaned back in response. “We'll be taking this as slow as you can handle. Not gonna lie though, it's going to feel uncomfortable. We can start with things you've started getting uncomfortable around that you think is related.”

“Forks. And red shirts. At least, forks can puncture and red shirts are noticeable? I have no damn clue.”

Dave nodded. “Alright. Those two sound completely doable right now. I actually came in this morning wearing this red sweatshirt. Lemme tell you one thing. May is supposed to be a warm month. Not this cold, wet stuff. Who invented rain, anyway?”

“Uh...”

“Anyway, I have to go get it. Hold tight, okay?”

Dave got up from his seat opposite of Karkat and excused himself from the office. Karkat could feel anxiety well up inside him. He felt that it was going to be too much for him, and thus in a possibly unconscious desire to leave, got up and took a glance through the office's window. Indeed, it was raining, and pretty hard as well, but Karkat would have taken being drenched in rain laying around in the blossoming greenery a thousand times over this. It was really picturesque, even if the view was fenced in by a tall and difficult to conquer wall specifically designed to keep him in. Well, technically not so much him as his equally damaged peers, but any sort of attempted escape from anyone would be pointless. This wall, which was in a detestable red hue, more or less broke the beauty of the outside garden. This garden brought tinges of long past memories, ones that gave a simultaneous warmth in his guts and a chill through his bones, and a deep and forlorn feeling welling up and binding his awareness into a downward spiral.

“You're thinking of leaving already?” Karkat swiveled around to a poker faced Dave with a red sweatshirt draped over his shoulder. “But you've only just came over and the scones aren't ready yet.”

“No, I was just... looking outside.” Karkat said somewhat submissively.

“Ah, so you're also bothered by all this rain we've been having?”

“No, just the garden. Kinda reminds me of a place I liked going to a lot.”

“Cool. Went there often?”

“Yeah. It's pretty close to my place, so I was there quite a lot. As in everyday a lot.”

“Sounds like a pretty great place.”

Karkat shrugged nervously. “So how is this going to go?”

Dave slowly unfurled his sweatshirt and placed it on a coffee table. “Depends on where you feel just comfortable enough starting and we'll go from there.”

“I,” Karkat unwillingly edged back to his seat. “...guess getting a closer look wouldn't hurt?”

Dave grinned. “Is that what you're doing right now, or just positioning yourself?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Sound nervous. You going to be okay?”

Karkat nodded. “Red shirts and stuff don't make me completely flippant. I'm not that far gone yet.”

“Okay, good. So I guess you can consider touching the sweatshirt?”

Karkat could feel his heart make a small jump. “Touch?”

“Yep.”

“Oh God...” Karkat had to mentally push back the feeling of repulsion. “Now?”

Dave nodded. “If you wish to.”

Karkat audibly breathed in and out several times, and lifted his hand towards the table, but hesitantly stopped midway. “Ummm...” Karkat stared at the red sweatshirt for a minute, then closed his eyes. He did not like how he was reacting, and felt for a moment that he was too far gone. It was such a detestable thought that Karkat snatched the sweatshirt and held it against him and forced his eyes open, if only to give the finger towards being scared of a singular red object.

He could feel and hear his heart beat like mad.

“What are you feeling right now?”

“Fucking scared for some stupid reason. For Christ's sake, it's just a fucking shirt!”

“I'm right here with ya, okay? Try to focus on steady breathing”

“Okay, yeah.” Karkat admittedly felt himself quickly calm down even before heeding Dave's advice. “Yeah. I think I was completely overreacting. I'm... I'm fine. It's fine.”

Karkat untensed and took a long breath. “Yeah. Fine.”

-

“So how was it, Karkat?”

Karkat darted his eyes upward from the spineless notebook he had been given by Lalonde during his medication briefing and first administration.

“Not your business, Terezi.” he grumbled.

“But I want to help you out, and I can't help out unless I know what you need!”

“Again, not your business. I want to be humiliated in private, thanks.”

“Hmmph! Whatever you say, Crabbypants.” Terezi pouted. “Can I least know what you're doing now?”

Karkat wished Terezi could see his scowl. “No. Go away.”

“I don't want to leave, though.” laughed Terezi. “You're fun to be around!”

“...You mean fun when I'm flipping out and having a goddamn panicfest?”

“What? No. I meant like you seem like a pretty nice guy. You're cool to be around. A lot of people around here are dull, but I like you. You're a little shouty guy!”

“...I'm not THAT short? But I thank you for that odd compliment.” Karkat yawned a small sigh. “I guess if you want to know I'm supposed to be writing shit down in this journal, but I really don't want to, so I'm doodling shitty drawings.”

“Like what?”

Karkat shrugged. “Bunch of crappy stick figures of nobody in particular.”

“Have one stick figure get hot, sloppy makeouts with another!” snickered Terezi. “And one of them should be French!”

Karkat boggled. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Yeah! It's hilarious!”

“A French guy kissing is hilarious?”

“Well, the first guy should be Ramon Sessions!”

“Who?”

“A basketball player! Duh!”

“Can I not be forced to draw this?”

“Motion overruled!” Terezi shark-grinned.

Karkat stared back for a moment, then shook his head. “I don't really understand this. At all. How... would you even know I drew what I've drawn?”

He noticed Terezi's shoulders slump a little and head lower, and Karkat knew that he must have deflated Terezi's spirits pretty significantly. He felt like a dickwad for pointing out so bluntly her blindness, and put his notebook aside to comfort Terezi the best that he can. Though while he felt bad over the remark, Karkat was bothered by his overall apatheticness. He cared, but it felt so foreign and difficult to be anything but numb.

Karkat forced himself to say something. “Crap. Forget I said that?”

“I guess...” Terezi lamented. “It's okay. You really didn't intend to to be a jerk, you were pointing out something that I tend to forget from time to time. Want to forget, anyway, heh.”

“No, no. I was a stupid fuck.” Karakat sighed. “Believe me when I say that I was a stupid fuck, okay? What I said? Totally uncalled for.”

Terezi forced a smirk. “You're sounding more and more like Sollux each second. But this place is already overflowing with 'Feeling sorry for ourselves-itis'. Mainly from Sollux, Aradia, Tavros and me.”

Karkat glanced over to Tavros fidgeting in his chair. It appeared that he was talking against his will to a wild-haired girl with a piercing glare.

“Yeah, I guess you sort of have a point. Still, though. I'd rather do something to make up than leave you like this. That'd make me an even stupider fuck, and I seriously don't want to stoop to that level of asshattery.”

“I've kinda had a thirst for hearing a comic all day. Normally, I'd ask Sollux, but he's been pretty mopey since you panicked yesterday. Though he tends to read them to me really awkwardly. No real pacing, monotone, describes things so poorly that licking the comic would give me a better idea of what's going on.” Terezi said. “In short, he's a pretty terrible storyteller.”

“Well...” Karkat thought. “If Sollux sucks at reading you your comics that bad, I could... you know, read them for you?”

“Are you absolutely sure you want to do that? I like a lot of crime comics, and they get pretty violent and gory. If you catch my drift.”

“Oh! Uh, well... are there a few that're mild? I mean they might be incredibly stupid, but don't get me wrong. It can help pass the time while we're both stuck in this shitty place.”

Terezi slowly pulled a giant grin. “You're gonna be great!”

“Yeah. Uh... can someone get one that I'll be able to read through?”

Terezi nodded vigorously. “I can get Sollux to sneak in my room and get a couple!”

Karkat shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Terezi called out for Sollux, and Karkat noticed Sollux getting up from a table from the middle of the room and shamble over.

“Yeah, Terezi?”

“Could you get some of the more hilarious comics I have?”

Karkat heard a tiny huff from Sollux. “They're not really all that funny...” Terezi flashed Sollux her massive grin, and he sighed again. “I'll be right back.”

Karkat eyed Sollux as he left the room, and turned to Terezi. “It kinda sounds like you hate your roommate or something.”

“Nope! She's actually awesome and we've been doing a roleplay. Though to be honest, I feel kinda mistrusting of her. I mean, she can sometimes jerk people around and rattle them, unlike Sollux, who's still a jerk, but isn't going to be intentionally mean and manipulate someone into giving a certain reaction so he can toy with it, you know what I'm saying?”

Karkat nodded. “In a way.”

Karkat fidgeted a little bit and looked around, noting that although there were a few peers that appeared to not be completely at ease for whatever reasons they had, they at least appeared to be mildly comfortable. Even Tavros and his fidgeting looked to be done with more certainty than the twitching fingers and toes and just the ever growing feeling of being so uncomfortable and having thousands of electrical currents buzz about his brain certainly didn't help matters. He wished he could completely trust someone in this place instead of being doubtful with everyone's intentions. His trust over anyone was sh...broken, and was only getting worse over time. Karkat's trust in anyone in this strange environment felt especially rattled from the events that had happened just yesterday, and he wasn't sure who he could trust.

Coming here was a bad idea, Karkat thought. He wanted to run. Needed to breathe. Get to a safe place. Pretend it never happened. Erase every single detail from his mind forever. Not have to breathe so shallowly and quickly. No more red. Shouldn't be a thing that exists. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. Get rid of all the red. Red everywhere. Trapped. Afraid. Wanting to scream. Helpless around red. Red is blood, blood is death, death is red.

I have red, bloody death inside of me.

“Karkat!”

In a flash, Sollux, Terezi, and Dr. Egbert were standing in front of Karkat, and all of them had concern etched into their faces. Karkat's breath hitched, and he felt moderately lightheaded and out of it.

“Karkat,” Sollux repeated, "Are you okay? You zoned out and started mumbling stuff.”

“No I wasn't.” Karkat hastily replied.

“You said you were helpless and... something about death?”

“I wasn't.” Karkat gritted. “I didn't fucking say any of those things!”

“I'm with Sollux on this one.” Terezi shrugged.

Dr. Egbert nodded. “Are you fine now?”

“Fine? Sure! I just babbled like five of those crazy as fuck conspiracy theorists, but I'm just fucking dandy now! Don't mind me!”

“You're pretty wound up right now.” John noted. “Trust me, it's a billion times better to let it out than it is to keep it in. Well, unless you're a Ghostbuster, then the opposite is true. But you'd really be surprised how awesome talking is.”

Karkat shook his head. “No. I'm done. I'm going to bed. I know, it's almost fucking seven.” he pushed Sollux out of the way in his rush towards the hall. “I don't give a shit. This day can just go straight to hell. Take the goddamn hint and just leave me be! I'll see you goddamn fuckheads tomorrow if I haven't died from... from something! I DUNNO. Just learn to TAKE A FUCKING HINT.”

Karkat double flipped the whole room off behind his back, which at this point was silent except for some asshole bitch tittering, and stomped away to his room. When he got there, he buried himself under his sheets, and took a long, tired sigh. He could only feel numbness in his being after his tirade a moment earlier in his soul, and a worsening migraine in his skull. He truly wondered how he managed to be tipped over the edge just then, but Karkat was not the least bit surprised the next morning that his fitful sleep was racked with seemingly endless nightmares.


	9. Chapter 9

Kankri checked the time. It was almost 2 PM. He had arrived in the hospital lobby just five minutes ago, and any second now he and what appeared to be several other family units would be escorted to the same psych ward and to the same visitation room. He twiddled his fingers and scanned the other people that were waiting. They seemed to consist primarily of mothers and fathers, but in several cases there was either a sibling or what were most likely friends of a patient. Kankri sort of expected at least one other patient to have a single visitor, but realized that he was the odd one out. It made Kankri sullenly wonder the implications, but was cut short when several staff members came to escort.

After stopping at the nurse's station to sign-in, Kankri straggled behind a beleaguered father and son pair to a somewhat expected room. Aside from the tables and chairs set up in the usual uniform way, the fairly large room had several couches strewn alongside the walls and, as expected, were already filled with patients and their visitors, which left the stragglers, Kankri included, to the less comfortable tables.

He noticed Karkat almost immediately, who was alone at a table face down and arms weakly wrapped in a manner that only his messy black hair stuck out.

Kankri approached Karkat and sat down. “Greetings, Karkat. Have you gotten used to the routine around here? Have you been attending meetings and taking doctor's orders exactly?”

“God, Kankri.” Karkat's irritated voice was muffled. “You don't have to give me a headache. I already have one.”

“I am very sorry to hear that. Do you suppose it could be a side effect, because if so, then you sh--”

“I was telling you to shut up, moron.”

“Karkat, while you are being affected by poor mental health right now, you know I'm not going to accept this kind of behavior.”

Kankri watched Karkat's shoulders relax and a sigh escape from a small hole in Karkat's self-made flesh pillow. Karkat raised his head and readjusted himself to lean heavily onto the table. He looked pale, tired, nauseous, and squinting.

“You haven't been sleeping much, it looks like.”

“What made you expect I'd get any sort of rest in this dump?”

“This IS a hospital, Karkat. Aside from the rigorous amounts of therapy I assume that they give you ample time to relax and sleep.”

“Any sleep I actually manage to have end in nightmares, even in here. And I can't go through my day here without flipping the fuck out at least once. So in short, I'm just as tense as before. Hell, even more so because I feel so sick. Why couldn't they just let me stay in my room?”

Kankri glanced around. “I'm guessing that the staff here know how therapeutic it is to be able to be around family and loved ones during an especially trying time.”

“Look, I'll seriously feel better once everyone else either leaves me alone or stop being goddamn morons.” Karkat clenched his head and tightly closed his eyes coping with a surge of pain. “God, could they have the lights be any brighter?”

“I can see if the staff can allow us to talk in your room, if you want.”

Karkat nodded silently as the headache got more intense. He watched Kankri get up and talk to one of the staff. She glanced at Karkat, then turned back to Kankri and appeared to nod. Karkat stood up from his chair and walked over to the door to meet his brother, and then was lead him to his room, where Karkat immediately turned off the lights, lied down in his bed, and drape the crook of his left arm over his eyes.

After several awkward moments, Kankri said. “Are you starting to feel better?”

“My head is still pounding, so no.”

“Do they allow patients to take some asprin?”

Karkat scoffed. “They haven't asked me yet today, so I'd say fuck no. Unless I was dying in front of them, then maybe.”

Several more minutes passed by before Karkat spoke up again.

“I hope this headache is so bad that I forget everything about my life. Everything would be fine if only that would happen.”

“Why would you wish such an affliction?”

“You fucking know why.” Karkat sighed.

“Karkat, you're getting defensive, and while I know that you don't like to think about what happened, but you and I both know this is not the healthy way to deal with it. In fact it is probably one of the more unhealthy ways of processing a personal trauma.”

“I know it is! I want it to just leave me alone! God, Kankri, stop talking!”

“This is what I mean when I say that this is unhealthy, Karkat. Ignoring and avoiding only made things worse and will continue to get worse until... I-I dunno!”

Karkat couldn't help but smirk at his brother's speechlessness despite the migraine. “I can't believe it. You actually have nothing to say.”

“It's simple, Karkat. In order to move on people have to fully process an event. The pain just won't go away from wishful thinking. I've found how to move on, yet it still hurts losing him like that.”

“Yeah, but you were nowhere nearby! The only thing YOU had to deal with was being told what happened.”

“I realize that, Karkat.” Kankri paused before going against his instinct. “It was much worse on you, and it's not exactly a surprise issues developed because you saw our father... yeah.”

Kankri noticed Karkat's body tense up automatically as the memory blitzed through his mind and caused his breathing to hitch several times.

“It was so much more than that.” Karkat breathed.

Kankri did not say a word for a number of minutes after so he could let Karkat speak. However, Karkat stayed silent, minus his soft breathing. Kankri knew from experience that Karkat had retreated deep into his thoughts and memories. He realized he probably should have followed his instinct.

“Karkat? Karkat, are you still here? I apologize for that distasteful remark. I implore you, if at all possible, to attempt to focus on the sound of my voice, please.”

“He lost faith in everything he believed in and died miserable and lost...” Karkat sighed. “Okay? Is that what you wanted?” Kankri didn't even have the chance to make any sort of response. “Just... leave me alone.”

Kankri decided not to put up a fight and fulfill his little brother's request. He left his brother's room and waited outside, and was not surprised when he was noticed by a therapist who was happening to walk by several minutes later.

“What's going on? Why aren't you in the visitation room?” The therapist questioned quietly.

Kankri noticed the nametag on this therapist read 'Egbert'. “Karkat wasn't feeling well, and so we gained permission to hold our meeting in his room.”

“In that case, why are you outside? Seems odd visiting your brother and not be in the same room as him.”

“He had essentially kicked me out, though I hope he lets me back in before our time together is up.”

John peeked into Karkat's room, and upon seeing him in bed with an arm draped over his eyes, turned back to Kankri. “I kinda really hope he gets tired of being so standoffish. Well... I'm guessing he's been like that for a long time and got sick of it or something. He came here on his own free will, didn't he?”

“It was an ultimatum, but I suppose he freely agreed to all of this. Better than being forced.”  
Egbert nodded. “And that gives a ton of hope that he will start opening up when he feels ready.”

“If that is the case, then he's on the precipice of letting things out.” Kankri paused. “He told me an important detail he's never told me before.”

“Really? That's great!”

“I'd rather not say what it was, though.” Kankri walked over to the doorway and looked at his brother. “Like you said, he should probably tell the others in here when he's ready to... but how long does that normally take?”

“I'm not sure.” John admitted. “...He hasn't told you the entire experience?”

Kankri shook his head and walked a small distance in the hallway before he softly spoke. “He's been almost completely silent ever since it happened a little over three years ago. Nobody could get anything out of him during the investigation, and he barely spoke for almost an entire month. My brother only dropped a handful of details since, the most recent being a few minutes ago.”

Kankri stared down the doorway to Karkat's room. “Then again, Dr. Egbert...”

“No, it's alright. You can call me John.” John chirped.

“...Then again John, the very first detail of his experience was uttered a few months ago.”

“Karkat seems to be opening up, even though it looks like he's trying very hard to fight it. But still, he could be ready very soon, Kankri!”

Kankri sighed and nodded. “I'm pleading for it.”


	10. Chapter 10

Karkat snapped awake and stared at the dark ceiling above him until he realized he had to breathe. Even with air entering his lungs, Karkat was still hit with extreme nausea, enough that he bolted out of bed and into the hallway to vomit on the floor. Karkat wobbled slightly and felt the nausea ebb away, unlike the memory of his nightmare and throbbing headache. The clock read 1:24, and Karkat faintly sneered. He remembered tossing and turning for several hours trying to fall asleep between the fear and migraine pangs, and guessed that he had fallen asleep some time after midnight.

“Are you okay?” Nurse Calliope said when she came up to Karkat.

“Ugh... other than the headache and the taste of puke...”

“Would you like some water?”

“Yeah...” Karkat mumbled.

Calliope gestured Karkat to follow her and Karkat blindly followed her to the nurse's counter where she firstly called for a janitor and secondly procure a large plastic cup. She then unlocked a nearby bathroom and after giving Karkat the cup, told him to drink as much as he needed to. Karkat drank about 2 and a half cups worth to dilute the bad taste in his mouth and relieve his throat. He tossed the cup into the small trash bin and exited.

“Thanks.” Karkat gritted his teeth and had a returning look of queasiness.

“Karkat?” Calliope looked concerned. “Are you alright?”

“Ever have intense nightmares about past stuff?”

“It depends on what you mean by past stuff, Karkat.”

“Like... witnessing a murder kind of stuff. Watching every ounce of blood gush out and being too goddamn frozen to move.” Karkat momentarily paused before to gather his thoughts. “At the very least, enough to not see a fucking corpse whenever your vision decides to start working again after the initial shock becomes too much.”

“Oh... dear... that does sound intense to go through again.”

“I don't think I can get back to sleep...” Karkat uttered tiredly. “Not that I want to go to sleep.”

“Sleep is very important for your well-being, especially right now. You always look so tired and it looks like you need a weeksworth of good nights sleep. Although, I know that it can be very hard to go back to sleep after such a bad nightmare.”

“I could still try. Kinda don't feel like doing anything, so there's no point standing around.” Karkat began to shuffle towards his room, and Calliope truly felt pained. She knew, based on reading his file, that Karkat had been emotionally and physically worn out from his intense recall nightmare, but would more than likely not get any more sleep that night.

“Um... Calliope?”

Calliope snapped her attention back to reality. “Yeah?”

“I know that I will pussy out seeing Strider tomorrow. Tell him about my dream?”

Calliope nodded. “I'll make sure he knows.”

“Thanks...”

Calliope happened to be right about her guess that Karkat would fail to get any more sleep. Every time she made her rounds, their eyes locked for a very brief moment.

-

“Jesus, KK. You look like piss.”

“Shut up.” droned Karkat. “Couldn't sleep.”

“I could tell. You woke me up with your vomiting.”

Karkat ignored Sollux and continued to eat his cereal. He felt ready to drop dead from his virtually sleepless night, and thus the simple act of eating breakfast became a challenge to keep his eyes open. Karkat knew he desperately needed to sleep, yet simultaneously refused to give in to nightmare fueled terror.

The sickening feeling of both wanting and detesting lying on a hard slab of a mattress tortured Karkat's soul much more than the quickly intensifying feeling of restlessness and agitation running in his bones. It was very uncomfortable to the point where, despite having no energy in his limp muscles, left the remainder of his breakfast behind and wander aimlessly around the day room in laps and loops to the occasional glances he was given from his peers. Karkat vaguely felt the irony of having reached this state and feeling like a living definition of insane.

“Yo, Karkat.”

Karkat didn't respond right away, but once he registered that Dave had said something to him, he glanced over.

“Feeling okay?”

“Yu-Yeah.” Karkat yawned.

“...Like hell you are. Night staff said you barely slept.” Dave began to nudge him into the hallway. “C'mon, gonna give you the morning to snooze.”

Karkat backed away. “I don't feel tired! Don't make me do something that's just going to waste my goddamn time!”

“You have some pretty dark circles under your eyes.”

“I don't!” Karkat felt nauseous. “I'm perfectly fine and I'm not going to go sleep if I don't want to!”

“Karkat, you're very tired. Both of us know that. I've also been told that you had a distressing nightmare.”

Karkat stammered a little with the realization that Dave would outright refuse to budge on the matter, and knowing there was no way to 'win', tiredly allowed Dave to guide him back to his room.

“I...I don't want to sleep, though.” Karkat muttered.

“It's something we all naturally have to do, Karkat. The more you resist the more it's gonna wear on you.”

Karkat felt his momentary restlessness start collapsing on itself. “I don't want to have another nightmare!”

“Trust me, Karkat. No one wants you to have a nightmare, and nobody wants to have one as intense as the one Calliope told me about. I couldn't believe your nightmares were that intense. But nobody wants you to get sick and unable to benefit and participate in your recovery, either, and getting sick's a lot worse if you're talking to most people.”

Karkat softly moaned. “Yeah, but... b-but they happen so much...” He was drained.

Dave nodded. “They've exhausted you out pretty fierce and decided they wanted to stay for a while longer. Trust me, though, your nightmares aren't going to stay forever, even though it looks like they've made themselves comfortable. They're gonna have to leave, either on their own, or by kicking their asses out of your head.”

“You'll help?” 

“Hell yeah. It's what I'm here for.”

“Good...” Karkat droned.

Dave took this opportunity to coax Karkat effortlessly into bed. Karkat managed to drift off within moments, though with an uneasy grimace etched onto his face. It was no surprise to the staff when, at around lunch, anguished screaming reached the farthest corners of the ward, and in the evening, Karkat was surprised at his instant positive response when given the option to temporarily add on a sedative.

It was a calm, dreamless, heavy sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

“Hiya, Karkat!” Egbert grinned. “How's it going?”

Karkat shifted to the left side of a couch he had claimed for himself after picking at his breakfast. “Been awake for an hour and the lights are still too goddamn bright.”

John's grin softened. “I know how that feels, Karkat. It sucks and it's just so... suck.”

“Great observation, John. I should also add that being tired and restless at the same time also sucks.”

“Dang.” John watched Karkat's knees and ankles repeatedly contract and relax in a show to prove a point, whether actual or exaggerating. “Are you okay otherwise, though?”

“Mhhn... I guess.”

“Well that's great, at least.”

Karkat gave no time for John to finish. “Are these side-effects?”

“Hm? Didn't quite catch that.”

“Are these side-effects?”

John shrugged. “I'd say most likely. They almost always happen.”

“So you knew I'd be feeling goddamn terrible anyway.” Karkat glared.

“Yeah, truthfully. But it's supposed to help you sleep.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and huffed. “Doing a pretty stupid job.”

“That... heh... was also sort of expected.”

“Wait. WHAT.” Karkat felt slightly twitchy.

“Only at first! Once it really starts working then almost all nightmares stop, but that takes about a week or two. So, umm... it might take a few more days.”

“Bullshit! I may stop having nightmares in maybe a few days?” He raised his voice. “What the everloving fuck?! Why are you solving my nightmares by adding more nightmare?! H-How does that even WORK?”

John started to worry. “Please understand. It's the most effective at reducing nightmares than any others of its kind.”

“It's NOT.”

“Usually it takes two or three more days, Karkat! You need to trust us on this.”

“I've been feeling like complete shit, jerk!”

“Give it a few more days, Karkat.” 

“WHY?!” He was feeling the beginning of a tirade coming on.

“Trust us! L-look, I'll see to it that if you don't feel any better by the tenth day its been taken, that you get something different.”

Karkat paused. “...For real?”

“Well, I'd have to run it by Rose first, and I really think you need to give it more of a chance, but I'll really vouch for you if you feel like having it changed, only if you hang on for a few more days.”

“...Ugh. Fine. Yeah, couple more days. You win. Hooray.”

John's goofy grin returned stronger than ever. “Now that's the spirit, Karkat!”

“Mmmyeah... now leave me alone.”

“Okay, Karkat. Just hang in there.”

Karkat sighed. “Right.”

Karkat turned away to gaze out of the window and view the rain. He tapped his fingers in imitation of the rain's rhythm until he was pulled away by Feferi to play a surprisingly intense game of Scrabble. 

 

-

“Sup?”

“Crappy. I think that game only worsened this damn headache.”

“I see. So Karkat, from what I have gathered from Calliope, it sounds as though your fears of blood and red colors came from the trauma you went through and now revisit on a very often basis.”

Karkat's ears grew hot red while his face paled, and could feel his stomach twist in on itself. He hadn't really had the energy yesterday to prepare him for when Dave would bluntly start picking at his psyche and attempt unearthing the shattered fragments of memory stabbing at him.

“You didn't like hearing that, did you?”

“Hell no.”

“That is a normal reaction to have.” Dave grinned.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it's a good thing. You're showing emotion.”

“What? Fuck no! Where are you getting that shit from?”

Dave shrugged. “When I mentioned about how your fear of blood and red objects appear to have more relation, it made you uncomfortable. Somewhere between having to wear an embarrassing outfit and having five appendixes bursting at the same time. But that seems like one of the few emotions you openly show.”

“I... what...” Karkat sputtered. "It doesn't mean anything!”

“Really? It sounds like it means something pretty dang significant. How do you usually feel?”

“Uh... well... I don't really know. Not happy or pleased or any of those.” Karkat looked up and Dave was looking back at him. “I just feel tired. Not angry or sad or anything really. Tired and numb.”

“Has this been recent?”

“Maybe.” Karkat thought for a moment, letting his finger trace patterns senselessly in the chair's fabric. “I used to feel despair and rage, t-the last few years. Last few months, though, I only can if I'm so... fucking distressed and just want to stop being reminded of... t-that...” he trailed off and tensed up his hand to grasp the arm of the chair..

“You mean the trauma?”

Karkat nodded “It's too intense. I wish I had never seen it, that I could just forget it ever happened.” His grasp tightened and his voice began raising with the subtle tinges of rage quickly intensifying. “I can't, though! Doing anything gives me some reminder and I can't stop it. It's like some shitty CD player that finally said 'fuck it' and just fucking skips for all eternity.” Karkat was completely unaware that he was shaking. “I wish he were here and it never happened instead of living a hard life only to be killed by some sick FUCK who thought that somehow, flat-out MURDERING my DAD was EVER A FUCKING GOOD IDEA.”

Karkat pulled at the chair's armrests compulsively, then slumped in his seat and unknowingly wished that he could die right then and there before he sighed and could only look down at his hands.

“It sucks that I did and it did happen, though.”

“Hell yeah.”Karkat could not tell if he was barely sensing relief or added tension throughout his body. Strider finally had that critical piece of information, and it was essentially given to him through a moment of weakness. He didn't want to be forced into innumerable attempts to analyze a scene that destroyed all sense of safety if even a tinge of a reminder bubbled up into awareness.

“I don't want to talk about it anymore, though.” Karkat quickly added to quell the awkward silence that had come up. His statement didn't seem to surprise Dr. Strider, who had been expressionless during the silence. 

“Why not?” Dave raised an eyebrow.

“I--” Karkat sputtered, “I just don't!”

“I can see where you're coming from, Karkat. Does anyone like remembering embarrassing crap they did as children? Hell no. So it's no leap of logic to think that no one wants to revisit traumatic memories. They cause a lot of pain, though eventually we move on, and it's much like crossing paths down the line with an ex that we had a less than pretty breakup with-- Not a bad one, mind you, but still, doesn't come under ideal circumstances-- we become aware of the other's presence when it comes up and we can still feel many emotions. Yet they become less painful as time carries on. Get what I'm saying?”

Karkat nodded pensively. “Probably. Maybe. But...”

“Yeah?”

“This is really stupid to say, but I... I don't actually remember much of what happened at all, and all I can be certain of is coming home and seeing a guy over my dad who had already been stabbed a lot and lost most of his blood by that point and was actually filled with hate for once.”

“That's cool, Karkat. You don't have to remember everything about it. This isn't like school where you need to cram for a chemistry final. Hell, you can even bring up the details as slow as you need it to be, when you do start to remember, alright?”

“Sure, okay.” Karkat hesitated. “I sure will.”

“Alright then.” Dave shifted. “On that note, should we shift over to working on your color phobia?”

“Why not?” Karkat shrugged. “I'd rather be doing that for a while.”

“Can't blame you, Karkat.” 

“...Can't blame myself either.”


End file.
